Still here

It's been 43 days since my mom passed away. And yes, I'm still here. Just haven't been blogging. No particular reason, just other things on my mind. Life is still going on, and I know mom would want it that way. It's just that life has changed - and it's so weird. I miss her all the time. It hits at strange times in strange ways. I'll be walking through a room in our house or through the mall or driving down the street and it will just hit me - my mom died. It's driving home from bible study on Monday nights when I would ALWAYS call her - she's gone. It's thinking about events in my life that are still to come and realizing - I'm going to miss her so much. It's all of those things and so many more that I can't even put into words. And yet, despite the sadness, it's also realizing the legacy she left for me and all the ways she shaped me into the person I am and will become. I am so blessed to have spent my life with her and that we had such a close, wonderful, perfect relationship. (Well, as perfect as a relationship can be!) She shaped my views of life, faith, family, and even my career. She will always be with me and will be a part of every decision and event in my life. I will always wish she was here, but I'm so thankful to know that she is in Heaven with our Lord and that I will see her again soon. The only problem with "soon" is that it seems so long right now...

A lot of people ask how my dad and sister are doing, and they are doing amazingly well, if you ask me. My dad is incredible - we have had many heart-to-heart conversations and I am always amazed that through the grief he is experiencing, he is still the most encouraging person I know. He reminds me that everything we went through is for a purpose and that mom's life and death have touched so many people's lives. My sister is also amazing. Right before spring conferences, I just wanted to talk to my mom. Sarah asked what I would have told her, and I said (without thinking), "Oh, just school stuff. You probably wouldn't understand." Not even missing a beat, she said, "Well, I can try to understand. Just tell me what you would have told her." Wow. We all have our moments, but I'm so grateful that my mom helped build a family that communicates and takes care of each other. I just hope I can be there for them in the same way they are there for me...

So I just needed to get a few things off my chest - you know, say something about the big thing that has happened - before moving on. I'm sure there will be other things I want to say about it, but I hope that they can be encouraging things that will somehow, in some small way, help someone else out there. If that is the case, then everything I've gone through and the pain I've felt hasn't been in vain.

One of my Theta pledge sisters lost her brother about a week before I lost my mom. We've communicated a little over the past month, and she sent me this poem that she read at her brother's funeral:

I'M FREE

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God has chosen for me.
I took His hand when I heard him call;
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way;
I've now found peace at the end of day.

If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joys.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss;
Oh yes, these things, I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow
Look for the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life's been full, I savored much;
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.
Perhaps my time seems all to brief;
Don't lengthen your pain with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and peace to thee,
God wanted me now-He set me free.

-- Shannon Lee Moseley